John Edwards

Long before he was a candidate for President and years away from impregnating a hot blond while his wife was dying of cancer, John Edwards was already making a name for himself in the highest tradition of legal jerks. A successful and wealthy attorney, John gained fame for winning bazillion dollar settlements from large companies by, for example, convincing juries the companies had “coerced” employees to “work” by offering them “income.” He believed everyone with large amounts of money was guilty of something and should pay for their real and imagined crimes. At least he believed it until he asked people with lots of money to pay the hot blond lots of money so he could hide his despicable behavior. It’s said that as a boy, John was often taunted by playmates for his wearing three-piece suits to third grade class and carrying his lunch in a briefcase.

Lie? Cheat? Steal? Why, I’m the ideal president.

Margaret “Maggie” O’Toole and Ed “Crankshaft” Turnbull

Our cups runneth over

Clones of Maggie and Ed work in every major company in America. Magnificently endowed, but apparently unaware of the invention of undergarments, Maggie literally hangs over the desks of co-workers. Most men are delighted by her visits, while women often summon the health department to inspect their hot, damp New Orleans office spaces for creepy crawlers. Ed works in the same New Orleans office as Maggie.  He spends most days in the company gym, wearing small, tight garments accentuating certain areas of his body.  Men ignore Ed while women co-workers hope he will become friends with Margaret for the purpose of procreation.

Meta World Peace

I'm changing my name again to Mega Pain Train. That'll sell some jerseys!

Not to be confused by “world peace” as a concept, this contemptible Los Angeles Lakers star used to be called Ron Artest.  Under his old name, he brought a new level of volatile behavior to professional basketball and helped set off the infamous 2004 “Malice in the Palace” in Detroit.  After that incident Artest changed his name to Metta World Peace (probably because most beauty pageant contestants say they want world peace), and tried to change his behavior through charitable endeavors.  Old habits die hard, however, and when he elbowed opposing player James Harden to the ground his elevation to the despicable list was secured simply by what the facts “artest.”

Major General Keith Briggs-Myers, USAF, Ret.

"Can you put a personal assistant on your expense account? Of course!"

Keith will never forget his time in the Pentagon’s Department of Redundancy Department and neither will anyone he has ever met – anywhere. Typical of only a handful of General Officers who move on to the private sector, Keith actually believes God himself placed two stars on his shoulders and Satan had a hand in refusing him two more. After retiring, Keith remained at the public trough, accepting a high position in the General Accounting Office where he plans major conferences in exotic places at ridiculous prices. He recently made the news by hiring prostitutes to secretly service some government employees if you know what we mean (and we think you do.)

Huntington “Flip” Lapiditus

"My coffee's two minutes late. Were you out getting' knocked up or somethin'?"

The owner of a Chattanooga, Tennessee, storm door and window replacement company, Flip has never hired a woman as a full-time employee with benefits because they will “get knocked up and quit.” If part-time and temporary female employees do not have coffee on his desk at precisely 8 a.m. Flip will berate them as “worthless whores” who don’t appreciate the value of minimum wage these days. While it would seem on the surface that Flip is a throwback to another age, his kind is still found in a remarkable number of small to medium size businesses across America. He has no daughters and refuses to admit his son is gay.

Three Stooges of the Financial Crisis

See some evil, say some evil, do some evil

While Bernie Madoff would have been a criminal during the best of times, a very large book would be needed to chronicle all the jerks who created the financial crisis surfacing in 2008, but initiated years before.  So we’ve created the three stooges of the crisis to represent all the jerks who emptied the 401(k) accounts of millions of Americans.  First, there’s Fontenelle Richpants Esq, CEO of Gotcha-Bydah-Balls Investment Banker Conglomerate who was spending a million dollars to redecorate his office, playing bridge, and selling off his shares as his company collapsed around him. Then there’s Senator Norton Borling who voted to remove pesky Federal regulations preventing right-thinking capitalists from screwing average Americans out of their retirement funds. (Senator Borling’s government retirement fund is just fine, thank you.) And finally, Bud Henderson of Silvery Garden’s Park, California, who gladly accepted the large loan he couldn’t possibly pay off because he believed the Gotcha-Bydah-Balls local lender who convinced him it was okay to buy a bigger house than you need and borrow more than the house is worth because prices would always – always – go up stratospherically.  Great job guys!  You are all despicable jerks.

Octomom – Nadya Suleman

"Can someone babysit while I start my modeling career?"

– There was an old woman who lived in a shoe…  Well, actually it was a woman in her 30’s who already had six children and then had 8 more in one sitting. She has now posed without clothing for Britain’s Closer magazine for which she was paid $8,000 (one K for each of the Octs.) It is fortunate the little tykes will be brought up in the Peoples Republic of California where everyone can share the joy of supporting them.  As for the shoe home, it is obvious the size will be as massive as the annual bill for diapers, formula and those little sucky things babies use when they get teeth. (Don’t even mention the dental bill that’s coming. The medical bills are already high enough.) Shoe living may be beneficial in other ways, particularly if the tongue is kept in place and certain ties are initiated if you know what we mean and we think you do.