Bo Pelini

Nebraska's loss is Youngstown's Bane

Why burn a bridge when you can blast it to !!##!@**!!! smithereens?

Bo was angry every minute he was coach of the Nebraska Cornhuskers. Even though he was never asked to actually husk corn, his rage seemed to grow with every football game. Yelling and screaming became his stock in trade and his on-the-field behavior was peppered with in-your-face tantrums to the point he seemed to actually take a swing at a referee during the 2013 game against the neighboring Iowa Hawkeyes. The NEIGHBORS for goodness sake! Bo transformed outrage into an art form. Television producers of Husker games routinely assigned a camera to focus on Bo the entire game just in case he exploded. When the University of Nebraska finally fired him, Bo met with student athletes and delivered a vile farewell address filled with such a rich variety of profanity the students were forced to run to their foul-mouth dictionaries to discover what some of the phrases actually meant. Bo’s supporters note he would still be Nebraska’s coach if he had won just a few more football games. That may be true, but he would still be a jerk.

FOR MORE OF THESE INSANELY WITTY AND COLORFUL TALES, GO TO YOUR FAVORITE ONLINE BOOKSELLER AND ORDER “THE MODERN COMPENDIUM OF DESPICABLE JERKS.”

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Bad Tippers

cheap guy picks through his pennies to mange a tip

“Hmpf… looks like a tip, only smaller.”

These seemingly innocent diners always have a good excuse for leaving a paltry tip for whoever waits on them at some local eatery. “The soup was cold,” they might complain, or “too hot.” The patron may have detected what they thought was a smirk. The list is endless. But here’s the thing: this is the only place on God’s green Earth where trickle down economics actually works. If you can’t afford a 20 percent tip – don’t go out to eat. Stay home, you jerk, and make a cactus and jalapeno sandwich. Then shove it up your ass.

FOR MORE OF THESE INSANELY WITTY AND COLORFUL TALES, GO TO YOUR FAVORITE ONLINE BOOKSELLER AND ORDER THE PERFECT GIFT: “THE MODERN COMPENDIUM OF DESPICABLE JERKS.”

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The Early Christmas Pushers

schlocky Santa hawks his wares out on the median

Lay away, or GO AWAY!

These are the folks who plot their Christmas advertising and display campaigns as soon as winter hits THE SOUTHERN HEMISPHERE. It has reached the point where July 4th features exploding elves and aerial displays named for Dancer and Blitzen. The Labor Day weekend clogs highways not only with late summer travelers, but also with trucks bringing in the new crop of “live” trees ready to drop their needles as soon as you attach your dangerously old strings of lights. The Pumpkins of Halloween mix with offers to give out Christmas candy canes to the trick-or-treat kids. Before the Thanksgiving turkey is done, the Radio City Rockettes traveling troupe is touring the nation with a show that features a nativity scene – conjuring images of scantily clad women kicking the crap out of the baby Jesus. All that said, the REAL jerks are the people who constantly bitch about the early Christmas pushers at the same time they are first in line to trample anyone who gets in their way as they rush the stores participating in Black Friday Christmas sales. My, oh my, what would Good King Wenceslaus say?

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The Good Old Boys of the NFL

Good ol' boys belly bump at midfield

You don’t like this gig? You can always flip burgers!

The National Football League has come under great scrutiny after several pro football players made headlines for committing violent acts against women and children. One guy knocked his wife out cold in an elevator. Another guy whipped his 4-year-old son leaving bloody welts. And there also may have been a killing or two – or something like that. But we digress. Many professions harbor practitioners who have committed the same acts, or worse. Some are cops, some are lawyers, some are preachers, some are South African blade runners … the list goes on and on. There is no room for all of them. So, we’ve put The Good Old Boys of the NFL here because they are insufferable cheapskates when it comes to compensating their cheerleaders. Most of these hard-cheering, hard-working, hard-bodied women are paid less than minimum wage. National Public Radio’s Emily Green reports current and former cheerleaders for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Buffalo Bills, Cincinnati Bengals, New York Jets and Oakland Raiders are suing their respective teams for better pay. An attorney for the company managing cheerleaders for the Bills claims the women are compensated with Gym memberships and clothing allowances (which can’t be very high based on the amount of skin covered by the clothing). Despite the fact The Good Old Boys of the NFL could pay all the cheerleaders more than minimum wage with just the beer receipts from the first twenty fans to enter a stadium, the boys ironically give the same excuse for poor cheerleader pay as they do for poor treatment of women in general – “WOMEN –they just don’t GET IT.”

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Ira Goldman-Inventor of the Knee Defender

Goldman and cabin mate share pleasantries

If you think this is cramped, you should see economy

This guy’s device has been around for more than a decade, but recently it caused a dispute between passengers that forced a United flight to divert to the nearest airport and eject the unruly pair. Ira’s gadget is a pair of U-Shaped clips that can be placed over the supports for the tray table on the back of the seat in front of you.  If you’re still following along – this keeps the passenger in front from reclining his seat a bit. Purchasers of the “Knee Defender” claim it’s their right to protect their – well – their knees of course. While the passenger in front has purchased a reclining seat and feels he deserves to recline whenever he or she wants to. Since the Federal Aviation Administration and most airlines prohibit the use of Ira’s device, he must wear the “Jerk” label. But, the true jerks are the airlines that honestly believe passengers should actually be sitting inside the assholes of whoever is sitting in front of them to further minimize space requirements and maximize profits.

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To Whom It May Concern

little child at firing range

if only…

This despicable jerk is anyone who decides to teach a 9-year-old how to shoot a submachine gun. Even Steven Howard, the gun expert who runs American Firearms & Munitions Consulting, is quoted saying, “Teaching people machine gun 101, even with adults, even with people going through military training, the first few times they shoot machine guns you don’t have them shoot a full freaking clip.” If only the parents of the 9 year old who accidentally shot and killed her instructor at the “Bullets and Burgers” shooting range in Arizona had chosen the burgers. If only there had been a simple .22 single shot rifle on which to learn. If only the NRA would go back to emphasizing safety programs instead of lobbying politicians. If only…

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Governor Rick Perry

Rick poses for his yearbook picture

Better hope he don’t get the hangin’ judge-after all, it is Texas.

Since the title “Despicable Jerk” is a prerequisite for entering politics, Governor Perry’s image does not appear here because he threatened to cut funds to a Texas county attorney arrested for drunk driving who happened to be a Democrat. His image – which is vastly superior to the mug shot taken when he was arrested for coercing a publicly elected official into leaving office – is here for a more simple reason. When asked if he remembered the two Republican county attorneys in Texas whose DUI arrests and convictions he ignored during his tenure, Perry failed to use the same stupid – yet humorous and endearing — phrase he employed when he couldn’t recall which three agencies of government he would eliminate as president. “I can’t. Sorry. Oops.” Even the most fervent supporters of the Texas governor had to shake their heads in private and say, “Dumb sumbitch.”

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