Morris Macchiado

This is the jerk who refuses to drink a good old American “Cup of Joe” with the guys at work, or at the local cafe’, or even when he is out with the boys shooting pheasants on a crisp Saturday morning. Morris must always have his fancy paper cup filled with 8-bucks worth of mocha-latté-chocolatte-frappe-coronado-delicioso from one of the ubiquitous Bigbucks Foo-Foo coffee stores. Most folks have experienced that special moment when the “Barristorrio-Elegante” (better known as the coffee clerk) forgets the mocha or latte and everyone waits in line while Morris demands another go at it. A waitress at a respectable diner would have spit in Morris’s cup the moment he used a word like     “latté.”

Max the sipper ain't no tipper

Damn the cost, full cream ahead!

And God forbid you offer Morris a standard cup of freshly brewed coffee from your home percolator. He may sniff it, wrinkling his nose like he has just smelled poop in the cup – just before you “accidentally” dump it onto his crotch.

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Vladimir Putin

Cossak in charge.

Is not to worry-is just another Olympic event. Invasion more fun than bobsled, da?

What can you say about a cold-blooded thug who rules Russia with an iron fist and parades around the countryside without a shirt or any discernable sense of humor – or taste for that matter. He is, after all, wildly popular in his own country, which has pretty much always been ruled by Czars and other dictators. As commentator George Will says, he runs a nation that has a third world economy and a first world army. It’s a dangerous combination and a little more than disconcerting as he snatches the Crimea from Ukraine and may have his heart set on grabbing even more of the old Soviet Union for Mother Russia. Is he a jerk? You bet! Particularly when you consider a century ago World War I began in the same corner of the globe with far less provocation.

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Justin Bieber

 

Biebs stinks up the place

You know you’re a jerk when Miley Cyrus gives you advice on how to behave in public.

-A Unique Perspective

Justin Bieber is Just-a Teenager.  Perhaps we can look the other way when he is arrested for driving drunk on an expired license while drag racing in Miami and then resisting arrest. After all, Miami can be a dangerous town. Maybe we can turn the other cheek with Christian forgiveness when Justin smacks a Toronto limousine driver for behavior the young artist considered to be insolent. Remember, it did take place in Mayor Rob Ford’s town. And then there’s the case of young Bieber and his father allegedly refusing a pilot’s warning to stop smoking pot during a flight from Canada to New Jersey, causing flight crew members to put on oxygen masks because they were concerned they might inhale so much it would cause them to test positive for drug use. Perhaps it was a father and son bonding moment. But when the little son-of-a-bitch throws eggs at a neighbor’s house he has crossed a very serious line and should be horse whipped and sent home to the frozen North to freeze in a small outhouse near the Arctic Circle. And tell me, WHO IS GOING TO CLEAN THIS UP?

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Last Minute Online Shoppers

Frustrated shopper takes no prisoners

What do you mean you can’t send it by drone? This is Christmas!!!!!!!

These are the impatient modern shoppers who wait until 11:59 p.m. December 24th to order packages to be delivered before Christmas Day, then bitch and moan when FedEx and UPS can’t suddenly invent teleportation to instantaneously deliver the gifts on time. All this when winter often brings the worst weather of the year. Are these shoppers nuts or just plain stupid? Turns out they are both because post Christmas headlines are filled with bitter complaints from last-minute online shoppers. The complaints are often accompanied by photos of weeping children, disappointed they could not open their gifts on Christmas morning. They should be weeping because they have stupid parents.

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Christmas Bullies

Fundamentalists are fundamentally overpowering

Yule be sorry!

These are the folks who show their Christmas spirit by cursing and berating anyone who dares say “Seasons Greetings” or “Happy Holidays” despite wide agreement by Bible scholars that December 25th is not the birth date of Jesus of Nazareth. It is a date co-opted by many Christians to add a Christian celebration to the already popular pagan hoopla at the time of the post-winter-solstice increase in daylight hours. In ancient times many virgins in line for the volcano were spared by this return of the sun. Still, Christmas is a lot of fun for many folks – some of whom think Santa Claus is, in fact, God. So to those bullies who can’t stand folks who say “Seasons Greetings” or “Happy Holidays” we adopt a very Christian forgiveness by saying “Merry Christmas to you – and we hope you are not selected for the volcano this year.”

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Rob Ford

Rob is the only despicable jerk who just can’t seem to help himself from openly embracing the title. The Toronto Mayor was astonishingly honest with reporters when he admitted using cocaine only because he was in a drunken stupor at the time. It’s tough to beat that kind of despicably jerky honesty. But Rob came close when he was later accused of sexually harassing a female co-worker. Rob said he didn’t need her favors because his own wife was the moral equivalent of the hottest mama in Canada’s largest city. He refuses to resign his office. He is a profane loud-mouthed caricature. And he is a gift to reporters everywhere as he keeps the headlines focused away from truly serious issues that are a lot more difficult and expensive to cover than the most obnoxious public servant in North America.

Rob sits in slime

If you don’t want to step in it, stay out of the sewer.

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Ted Cruz

Ted on the Gadsden flag

Long may he wave…bye-bye

Ted is the worst Cruz since Gilligan’s Island. Gilligan only stranded a few people after they embarked on a three-hour adventure. Ted stranded the U.S. government and capsized it much like that stupid cruise ship captain’s trick off the coast of Italy. Why? He didn’t want to pay the bill for things he’s already purchased and scrap laws that had already been passed into law. Ted was born by the grace of God under a pretty darn good health system in Alberta, Canada. Yet even his fellow Canadians often say, “Ted is a lyin’ ass, his feet stink, and Jesus don’t love him.” And those are his friends. Cooler heads eventually pulled his head out of the tea, paid the bills and enforced the law, but it appears U.S. politics has not heard the last of this smooth talking self-proclaimed “patriot” (or as they say in Canada, “pahtrioot.”)

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