Senator Steve Halloran

Go ahead, throw the book(s) at him

This Nebraska State Senator crossed a couple of lines when he included the names of two other senators while reading passages from a book depicting sexual assault. Even some of his fellow Republicans were calling for him to resign or face censure. Others simply want to ban him from banning books. But we’re in a helpful mood today and we’re giving Senator Halloran a simple exercise to prevent a recurrence of his behavior. Since we are not personally familiar with anything in his personal life, our exercise is generic.

The next time the Senator feels compelled to use the name of a colleague when reading from one of the books from his private library he should first try using one of these generic lines. For example, if the actual line is:

“Montague grabbed Jezabel’s ass.”

Try one of these names to replace “Jezabel’s ass:”

Mom’s ass

Dad’s ass

My ass

With that, Senator Halloran we say, “You’re welcome.”

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The Russia Show

As Russians celebrate the 305^th anniversary of Peter the Great murdering his own son, Tsarevich Alexi Petrovich, it’s time to watch another episode of The Russia Show. Peter the Great didn’t trust his own son, who he nicknamed “That god damn treacherous son-of-a-bitch.” Peter’s behavior fits right into the template for a thousand years of ghastly behavior by rulers who show more concern for their political power, annual vodka crop and quality of their delightful canned jellied Perch than they do for the average citizen of Russia.

The stars of the current dark comedy are not unlike the stars of the wonderful 2017 film “The Death of Stalin.” With many moving parts still twitching in this current drama, here are some of the stars of what’s happening in Russia now.  The names may change, but that’s par for the course. So, in the spirit of Russian disinformation, here is our list of real and imagined characters.

Vladimir Putin 

He has ruled Russia for two decades and his horrendous war on the citizens of neighboring Ukraine says everything you need to know. Vlad is still visible, unlike the other vampires on this list.

Yevgeni Prigozhin

Leader of the Wagner Group — more famous as private terrorist commandos than soldiers. Yevgeni rose to power by leaving his job as Putin’s chef to sing the lead part in Wagner’s toe-tapping Gotterdammerung.

Colonel General Sergey Surovikin

As commander of the Russian Air Force, Sergey apparently had his head in the clouds when Prigozhin allegedly talked him into joining his military mutiny. He has been missing for more than a week – last seen on the fifth floor of a downtown Moscow building.  Over the years the Russians have learned the fifth floor is the first reliable floor a mutineer can exit a building and be sure to die.  That’s why Moscow skyscrapers never need to be taller than five stories.

Captain Major Corporal Nikita Zhukov-kov-kov

Nikita is the chief surgeon for the general staff who accidentally administered vaccines which contained anthrax.  Prigozhin thought it was a useful skill and recruited him while also assigning him to a fifth floor office – just in case.

Private General Lieutenant Leon Trotsky III

Leon actually asked for an office on the fifth floor.  A stickler for efficiency, he decided it would save time in the long run – which, in his world, is not likely to be all that long. 

Commodore Admiral Seaman Yuri Vronskovkavich

This remarkable swimmer had asked for a poolside office, but was shown the way to a fifth floor suite by helpful aides who did not recognize him in his sailor suit. His skills at catching perch to be jellied and canned make him indispensable no matter who rules Russia down the road. At least he hopes so.

Other Players…

There are certainly additional names that will be uncovered, but as they say in Stalingrad – Ooops, I mean Volgagrad – “We know what you did and we know where you live.”

“Fifth floor, going down”

Three Media Idiots

 We’ve been busy taking out the trash, shoveling snow, doing laundry, drinking heavily…    You know, important stuff.  But we’ve finally stumbled on something that piqued our interest in a world that already harbors too many Despicable Jerks.  Let’s call them the Three Stooges of modern television. Or perhaps just Three Media Idiots.

First is NBCUniversal’s CEO Jeff Shell who was tossed out of his cushy job after admitting to an “inappropriate relationship” with a woman in the company.  Perhaps he lost his new company handbook that suggests, “Try to refrain from using the time-honored phrase for welcoming new female employees – “Hey Babe, take off your pants.”

Then there’s hapless Don Lemon at CNN. He’s always been a bit insufferable, but when he referred to women in their 50s and 60s as “past their prime”  he specifically mentioned presidential candidate and former South Carolina governor Nikki Haley who is 30 years younger than the leading candidates for president right now. Politics aside, she appears to be pretty much in her prime to us. But, we’re in the age group that includes the leading candidates for president right now. In any case, Don will not be missed. 

And of course, there’s Tucker Carlson. Fox News ratings dropped 56% in his time slot the week after he was fired – not for lying, but for insulting his fellow dumbass Foxers. Since Fox News will soon find another lying-ass-no good-son-of-a-bitch to replace Tucker – who until this writing we thought spelled his own first name with a capital “F”— he will likely end up with a less prestigious but equally vile television outlet – if that’s possible.

Three Stooges of the Apoplexy: Tucker-don’t-forget-spellcheck Carlson, Don-past-his-prime-time Lemon and Jeff-keep-your-hands-on-the-wheel Shell

The Christmakwanzaramica Holiday Party

These are ten jerks in no particular order with varied misdeeds on their record that come from almost innocent to truly vile, all randomly selected to attend the annual holiday gathering of jerks to let them feed on each other’s egos, destructive acts and general “assholery.” They come from the enormous list of known Jerks and the vast crop that no one has bothered to identify because it is just too painful and/or boring. We are sure, dear reader, that you have your own list, but we don’t care.  This is OUR list. Yes.  OUR list. Take it for the worthless catharsis it may bring a weary world.

10. Harry and Meghan – they are just like the relatives you left off your card list because your dog ate the list.

9. That guy who comes to your holiday party and starts shoving everything from shrimp to cookies into his pockets and then drives off in a new Bentley.  You know?  That guy.  Oh wait, he wasn’t even invited.

8. Pete Ricketts – Nebraska’s term-limited governor with the name that is also a disease for allegedly buying his replacement governor who will now name a new US Senator to replace the quitter Ben Sasse. Gee. We wonder who that will be…

7. Marjorie Taylor Greene – Isn’t it obvious?

6. Kari Lake – One of the MAGA Republicans who lost elections in November but still insist they won.  Who are they acting like?  Yup, that’s the guy.

5. Alex Jones – Isn’t it obvious?

4. Elon Musk – for his latest slam of Plague Hero Anthony Fauci.

3. We know who you are and what you did, you rotten bastard.  Insert your name here and promise you’ll never do it again,

2. Vladimir Putin – The horror story he has written in Ukraine is already legendary, not to mention wiping out a generation of young Russians by sending them to die for an unworthy cause. Don’t trust him at the party. He probably put something in the punch bowl.

And the Number One jerk at the party!!! – Donald John Trump – who didn’t want to help Ukraine and actually wants to BE Vladimir Putin.

IMPOSTER Elon Musk

This incredible jackass has obviously kidnapped the REAL Elon Musk and is holding him – possibly for Bitcoin ransom – depriving Corporate America of one of its few true heroes.  The REAL Elon Musk gave us the first classy, mass-produced electric cars.  He set us on course to transform public transportation by building a prototype underground high-speed transport capsule. He launched one of his electric cars into space and brought us what true Sci-Fi buffs have dreamed of for 100 years – a spaceship that lands on its tail as God intended. This Imposter Elon Musk has suddenly shown up – clearly not OUR Elon Musk – and purchased Twitter for an unbelievable price and he now shows every sign of giving the lunatic fringe free rein on communicating horrific lies to people gullible enough to think he may still be the REAL Elon Musk. This madness must end. Return the promise of a glorious future.  Bring back the REAL Elon Musk.

Anyone care for stuffing?

The Donald….DUCK!

After helping Republicans snatch defeat from the jaws of victory in many 2022 mid-term elections The Donald promises to sink even more candidates by running for president – for the third time. When someone is drowning, the phrase “going down for the third time” is never good news. Aren’t elephants endangered enough in these tragic days of modern times? 

The GOP suddenly has that sinking feeling

Ye and Me

What could Kanye West and Alex Jones possibly have in common, except of course being Despicable Jerks? Ye – formerly known as Kanye West, formerly known as Mr. Kim Kardashian, has come up with a T-Shirt that says “White Lives Matter.” Well of course they do, but why would an African American guy not say “Black Lives Matter,” or “All Lives Matter” or simply shut up. Hard to say since he is buddies with Donald Trump and thus surely believes “Orange Lives Matter.” But aside from their joint admiration for the president-turned-traitor, why would we pair up Ye and the ghastly Alex Jones, who also believes white lives matter unless they are small white lives gunned down at Sandy Hook? Have we played “Ebony and Ivory” too many times? Is that piano comparison valid in the case of Ye and Alex? Perhaps. But only if the piano is an old Steinway tumbling down the Lincoln Memorial steps and into the Reflecting Pool depicting the discordant America we all call home these days. (Sigh! So many jerks, so little time.)

Ebony and Calumny

Covid’s Banshee Variant

The Covid plague has summoned a curse more virulent and dangerous than the little bugs that caused the original plague. Our crack team of scientists has placed our “Jerk” label on what they have identified as Covid’s Banshee Variant. It has reduced some otherwise thoughtful and generous folks into raving lunatics. Consider the trucking blockade spreading out of Ottawa. Truckers have been hailed as heroes of the plague, bravely delivering food and products and reducing the glut of merchandise waiting in cargo ships in the ports. It had to be the Banshee Variant that has turned some of them into very unpleasant and unreasonable demanders of “freedom” from everything including their own health. They join the other unreasonable folks who deny science and the benefits of modern health care that has historically eliminated disease after disease. With Covid, It seems if they’re not bitching about wanting someone to do something about the plague, they’re bitching about what someone is doing about the plague. So stare into the Banshee’s eyes and witness the demise of civil society, or come to your senses with the understanding that we’ll hopefully be past the deadliest months when we all toast each other with a green beer on Saint Patrick’s Day.

For heaven’s sake, she needs a mask!

Marjorie Taylor Greene

No one was more surprised than Marjorie Taylor Greene whenTwitter suspended her account faster than one of her trademarked Jewish Space Lasers. So we checked with QAnon to find out what was behind this move.  Simple.  Twitter members since the first American Civil War have had the same treatment — always identifying suspension targets by their traditionally villainous three word names. It started with canceling John Wilkes Booth’s telegraph account and extended to more recent times by canceling postal privileges for Lee Harvey Oswald, James Earl Ray, John Wayne Gacey, Vinnie The Lawyer and others. The earliest of the villains was, of course, Attila The Hun who still credits his power to a rigged election. There are fictitious characters who were not suspended, but villainous none the less. They include Cruella de Vil and Big Bad Wolf. Marjorie is often mistaken for Cruella and Big Bad when she strolls through the Georgia countryside wearing a Dalmatian puppy cloak and chewing on those delicious pork chops on a stick.

Speak softly and carry a big AR15.

Fight the Friendly Skies

Perhaps it’s time to give up and admit traveling in jetliners is a transportation form that has been conquered by stupid people. “Fights on Flights” is our trademarked suggestion for an idea that might be a boon to the airlines as they combine the excitement of professional wrestling with the growing number of angry passengers who now take out their rage on innocent flight attendants. Spectators who do not wish to participate can wager on these matches at the ticket counter as they book their favorite pro wrestler along with their flight.  And the amateur wrestlers themselves will be paid in food. That’s right!  Meal service returns in the form of jello and/or gravy to be sprayed on those who participate.  And premier flights would star headline-quality pro wrestlers who will beat the crap out of any passenger who touches a flight attendant. We would love to book a fight flight where a peevish son-of-a-bitch passenger, angry over some imagined slight, would get the shit kicked out of him by Man Mountain Maynard — a name we made up to represent all the heroes of pro wrestling who would surely volunteer for this good work. And if Man Mountain Maynard really exists, we would like to book a flight where he is the headliner and cheer him on. Jet cabins will be quickly cleaned between flights with high pressure water hoses spraying a mixture of H2O and Lysol. So you see this plan also considers Hygiene and “Hi Gene” (A Famous Wrestling Announcer in case you are not currently a fan.) Of course, people could just start behaving themselves, but that may be something just too wild and crazy to consider.

This puts the fun back in flying.