Hawkeye Senate Candidates

Hawkeye candidates prove that there's no such thing as a good politician

They’re running. So are we.

Democrat Bruce Braley and Republican Joni Ernst both grew up on Iowa farms and they are now busy trying to “out-jerk” each other in the Iowa U.S. Senate race. Braley threatened to sue his own Holiday Lake Owner’s Association because a neighbor’s chicken trespassed on his vacation property. A frickin’ Chicken — In Iowa for heavens-to-Betsy sakes. The owner of the trespassing chicken is a fellow Democrat and is upset Braley didn’t just call her to settle the matter neighbor to neighbor. Meantime. Ernst opened her campaign saying, “I grew up castrating hogs on an Iowa farm.” Not since Christine O’Donnell declared, “I am not a witch,” in Delaware’s 2010 senate contest has there been such glee among late night comedians. While castrating pigs is a necessary duty to be sure, is Ernst also making a lightly veiled threat to separate the “nuts” from the swine overwhelming the Federal bureaucracy? In any event, this is also the best Jerky example of why politics is America’s greatest spectator sport.

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Bassel Abdul-Amir Saad

Bassel Abdul-Amir Saad does what every good coward does after a lethal sucker punch. He runs away.

Soccer meets MMA

While it is popular at American sporting events to yell, “kill the ump,” most common sense folks know it is just a saying when a few inadequate referees and umpires think – for example — baseball’s strike zone spans the entire space between the stratosphere and six-feet-under – which is where some zealous fans would like to put them in the figurative sense but certainly not literally.  Not so Bassel Abdul-Amir Saad of Dearborn Michigan. During an adult soccer game in June 2014, Mr. Saad thought he was about to be ejected from the game, so he punched referee John Bieniewicz so hard he killed him dead. This places Saad in a class of jerks just below fans who toss projectiles at referees and umpires. Don’t even ask about parents at junior soccer, baseball and other games who try to throw a punch if they think their precious child has been judged harshly.
http://www.freep.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/201407022357/NEWS02/307020136

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Eric Shinseki

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“Next.”

The sitting Secretary of Veterans Affairs is merely the poster boy for all the jerks in congress and elsewhere who sit on their wallets and refuse to spend more money on the men and women who fight our wars when they come home. This despicable lack of interest is not new. It goes back to every war the United States of America has fought – including our own Revolutionary War. Americans are very good at waving the flag and banging the drum for our soldiers when the fighting starts, but not so good at providing the funding necessary to treat the troops when they come home. Medal of Honor recipient Jack Jacobs has the answer. Just provide our vets with excellent health insurance and allow them to access private sector health care. Eric comes off the Jerk list when he convinces congress to do that. Good luck Eric.

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Donald Sterling

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“I love ethnic people-especially if they’re my mistress.”

The owner of the Los Angeles Clipper professional basketball team has used his billions to settle many a legal problem for allegedly discriminating against minority folks who have tried to rent one of the many apartments he owns. After all, he has a reputation to protect in his other business – which is comprised almost entirely of employees from minority groups. His biggest problem is a hot mistress named V. Stiviano who loves to record chit-chat with Donald about her very public photos of her with her other friends – some of whom happen to be African-American. Donald pleasantly replies by telling Miss V she can have sexual relations with her African-American friends – but she should not bring them to watch his basketball team play. Really? That’s what he’s worried about? He’s an incredible jerk and Miss V ain’t too far behind him. Go Clippers.

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Morris Macchiado

This is the jerk who refuses to drink a good old American “Cup of Joe” with the guys at work, or at the local cafe’, or even when he is out with the boys shooting pheasants on a crisp Saturday morning. Morris must always have his fancy paper cup filled with 8-bucks worth of mocha-latté-chocolatte-frappe-coronado-delicioso from one of the ubiquitous Bigbucks Foo-Foo coffee stores. Most folks have experienced that special moment when the “Barristorrio-Elegante” (better known as the coffee clerk) forgets the mocha or latte and everyone waits in line while Morris demands another go at it. A waitress at a respectable diner would have spit in Morris’s cup the moment he used a word like     “latté.”

Max the sipper ain't no tipper

Damn the cost, full cream ahead!

And God forbid you offer Morris a standard cup of freshly brewed coffee from your home percolator. He may sniff it, wrinkling his nose like he has just smelled poop in the cup – just before you “accidentally” dump it onto his crotch.

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Vladimir Putin

Cossak in charge.

Is not to worry-is just another Olympic event. Invasion more fun than bobsled, da?

What can you say about a cold-blooded thug who rules Russia with an iron fist and parades around the countryside without a shirt or any discernable sense of humor – or taste for that matter. He is, after all, wildly popular in his own country, which has pretty much always been ruled by Czars and other dictators. As commentator George Will says, he runs a nation that has a third world economy and a first world army. It’s a dangerous combination and a little more than disconcerting as he snatches the Crimea from Ukraine and may have his heart set on grabbing even more of the old Soviet Union for Mother Russia. Is he a jerk? You bet! Particularly when you consider a century ago World War I began in the same corner of the globe with far less provocation.

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Justin Bieber

 

Biebs stinks up the place

You know you’re a jerk when Miley Cyrus gives you advice on how to behave in public.

-A Unique Perspective

Justin Bieber is Just-a Teenager.  Perhaps we can look the other way when he is arrested for driving drunk on an expired license while drag racing in Miami and then resisting arrest. After all, Miami can be a dangerous town. Maybe we can turn the other cheek with Christian forgiveness when Justin smacks a Toronto limousine driver for behavior the young artist considered to be insolent. Remember, it did take place in Mayor Rob Ford’s town. And then there’s the case of young Bieber and his father allegedly refusing a pilot’s warning to stop smoking pot during a flight from Canada to New Jersey, causing flight crew members to put on oxygen masks because they were concerned they might inhale so much it would cause them to test positive for drug use. Perhaps it was a father and son bonding moment. But when the little son-of-a-bitch throws eggs at a neighbor’s house he has crossed a very serious line and should be horse whipped and sent home to the frozen North to freeze in a small outhouse near the Arctic Circle. And tell me, WHO IS GOING TO CLEAN THIS UP?

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