It’s not safe to play with matches.
The dearest of the dear leaders of the Democratic Peoples Republic of Korea is not only Earth’s biggest jerk, he is the most dangerous. To the untrained eye the answer seems simple, just get China to lean on him. But, China can’t lean too hard or it will be flooded by refugees — either because of unequaled famine in an already famine-stricken nation, or because war breaks out. When North Korea is defeated in that war, China would likely have a unified Korea on its border — a unified Korea that would be an American Ally. Even worse, a war could drag in China and/or Russia. Living with a nuclear North Korea could eventually see the Hermit Kingdom develop enough nuclear tipped missiles to take out a whole bunch of American cities in a single strike. A North Korea without Kim is also a bad idea — leading to civil war among the generals there and that flood of refugees into China. There is one ray of hope. War is messy and bad for business. Perhaps the angels of greed and avarice will eventually prevail to save us, or…perhaps you should invite the Mormons or the Jehovah’s Witnesses in the next time they knock on your door.
The creative team behind this website has been waiting their entire careers for Anthony Scaramucci to come along. “The Mooch” was the gift that promised to keep on giving. We looked forward to many more graphic, colorful, obscene insights to the inner workings of the Trump administration – which began with his recent description of fellow Trumpista Steve Bannon as a gentleman who could twist himself in a gymnastic maneuver designed to pleasure himself in ways not immediately obvious to the Washington Press Corps. So what happens? He’s fired already. Gone too soon. Another broken promise by President Trump. We’ve exhausted every effort to get this posted on the Despicable Jerks website before everyone forgets who “The Mooch” was. Alas, we hardly knew ya.
“Thar he blows!”
When New Jersey Governor Chris Christie was seen enjoying time on a beach he closed to the public because of the state’s failure to pass a budget, we thought it was a joke. But when asked about it, Christie was unapologetic. Does the governor understand how dangerous it is for him to appear for all the world as a Great White politician — beached and waiting for the ambergris poachers to tap his rich bodily fluids. His actions have caused taxpayers to view him as a greater Dick than Moby. In a perfect world he might have received a miserable sunburn, inflicted by a vengeful God who would rename him Chris “Crispy” and cause his ambergris to fund a reasonable budget for the good people of New Jersey.
The sad news, his luggage probably made it.
Jerk-lovers everywhere rejoiced with the news United Airlines had dragged a seated passenger off one of their jets to make room for crew members needed at other airports. So many jerk targets. So little time. So let us offer this simple rule for all modern airlines – and also those few “Morlock” airlines. If a paying passenger with a ticket has boarded a plane and is in his or her seat – leave him or her the hell alone. We understand the need to ferry crew members to move air traffic, but if you need the seat, make the decision BEFORE the ticket-holder boards the plane and checks a bag. Otherwise, the burden’s on you to find a way to get crews where they are needed. Perhaps FEDEX could help you figure this out.
Resistance is futile
This is the most outrageous despicable jerk of the year – so far at least. When Donald Trump’s stooge-stand-in, Obergruppenfuhrer Stephen Miller appeared on all the Sunday morning talk shows on February 12, 2017 and, in a shrill voice, said President Trumps orders will NOT BE QUESTIONED, he redefined what it means to be an outrageous despicable jerk. The question of presidential omnipotence was settled by the United States Supreme Court in 1803. Miller should read that decision, if he knows how to read. And by the way, we will question jackasses like you any damn time you try to subvert the Constitution of the United States. So there! Okay, we’re feeling much better now.
“Take a seat, honey.”
Okay, this brings up a touchy topic for a site where acting like a jerk is not only respected, but is revered in the same sense America’s First Amendment is revered. So how do we get off blasting folks like the guy who spread a fake news story about Hillary Clinton and a supposed child trafficking pizza shop or the total jerk who decided to call out Ivanka Trump face to face on a public airliner? That’s not to mention the person who ruined the holidays for your entire family by bringing up the election of 2016. Here’s how. In the unlikely event there are rules to insulting people, the first should be not insulting the kids of someone who happens to be a jerk – particularly face to face where the kid’s kids are present.
This means employing what the men and women in our Nation’s military call, “Situational Awareness.” You can bitch and moan in front of like-minded folks, but otherwise don’t ruin a party to make your point. (This might apply to the well-meaning cast of “Hamilton” the next time Mike Pence buys a ticket to see your fabulous show.)
So again, how do we get off blasting the folks we call “inappropriate jerks?” Here’s how. You came to us. You bought our book or you view this site because you enjoy what we’ve always called “a highly opinionated, totally bogus representation of the most egregious modern examples of both the common and the rich and powerful who demean others while enriching themselves.”
You knew when you came here that this site is created in that same loathsome spirit and is meant to be all in fun but not fun for all. Teddy Roosevelt’s kid, Alice Roosevelt Longworth said it best. “If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.” So to our fellow jerks who read this, thanks for coming over and sitting next to us – but leave the kids and the family alone and behave yourself in public.
McGree? We thought it was McGREEDY.
It’s almost too easy to villainize a guy whose name rhymes with “Simon Legree,” the infamous evil character in Uncle Tom’s Cabin. In a spurt of excellent journalism The Omaha World-Herald reported McGree had turned the time honored non-profit Goodwill Industries into a cash cow for friends and relatives. Goodwill’s reputation for operating thrift stores selling donated items and employing disabled and needy job-seekers was buried by the paper’s revelation the stores had collected four million dollars in revenue last year while only spending $557,000 on job programs. The rest of the profits were largely inhaled by lavish executive pay. McGree and eight of his top managers alone split $1.8 million of those profits. Fourteen other executives and managers made over a hundred thousand dollars a year. That group included McGree’s daughter and the daughter-in-law of a Goodwill board member. McGree has resigned in disgrace despite his defiant defense of his work. Like the lyrics to Tom Lehrer’s song “The Old Dope Peddler,” this jerk claims he was only “doing well by doing good.”