Pete Ricketts

Giblets to go

Lex Luthor redefines “Nebraska Nice”

Nebraska’s new governor has been so busy shopping for drugs to kill prisoners on death row that he failed to notice when the state’s legislature — controlled by his own Republican Party by 35 to 14 — voted to abolish the death penalty in the Cornhusker State. He was so angered that he also failed to note his conservative colleagues argument that it is illogical to be pro-life for some issues and pro-death on others. In this peevish mood, Governor Ricketts has vowed to kill all ten prisoners on Nebraska’s death row. His Attorney General, Doug Peterson, backs him up, saying that abolishing the death penalty has basically deprived the death row inmates of their constitutional right to die. If Ricketts gets his way, perhaps he can give the ten inmates their last supper at the same time. He can haul the old, unused, electric chair — “Old Sparky” — out of retirement, hook the electrodes to a large turkey, pull the switch and allow it to explode — instantly serving white meat, dark meat and viscera to all the guests in their festive orange attire.

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Tom Brady

Deflated balls

Tom, not so Terrific

The New England Patriot’s quarterback has not been enshrined on these hallowed pages for breaking the rules concerning the proper pressure for footballs. After all, rule breaking in professional sports has become as constant as the Northern Star. He has not been elevated to the lofty title of Despicable Jerk because he lied to everyone about his knowledge of the deflation. Denial is the default defense and typical behavior for many privileged folk in all walks of life. Tom’s image appears here because he has once again elevated the inevitable testicle-joke headlines to a frantic level not seen since the height of the steroid scandal. Note: the use of steroids has been proven to deflate balls as effectively as pro football staffers with the title “Deflater” – and yes, we mean testicles.

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Britt McHenry

Britt accosts clerk trying to get car out of impound

Media mean girl

The patron saint of Despicable Jerks is Alice Roosevelt Longworth – Teddy’s daughter – who famously said, “If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.”  Alice would have loved Britt McHenry, the ESPN reporter suspended for a week for insulting a tow truck clerk. If Britt could join Alice for tea today she might have opened the conversation by saying, “lose some weight baby girl.” Perhaps Britt would find the restaurant serving the tea to be wanting and say to the waitress, “I’m in the news, sweetheart. I will fucking sue this place.” Instead of leaving a tip, Britt might offer this advice to the waitress: “I have a degree and you don’t. I wouldn’t work at a scumbag place like this. Makes my skin crawl even being here. Maybe if I was missing some teeth they would hire me, huh?” One might have hoped that sometime during Britt’s career at ESPN she had discovered something John Wooden said. “Sports don’t build character. They reveal it.”

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The Keystone Secret Service

SS agents always vigilant

From comedy to farce

Like the Keystone Cops of the silent film comedies, the United States Secret Service has at long last become a “Laff-Riot.” First there was the whore employment scandal in Columbia. Then came the incidents of maniacs jumping the White House fence, with one jumper making it to the unlocked front door and inside the mansion for a special face-on-the-floor tour of the East Room. And who can forget the night two hard-drinking agents nudged a barrier aside with their SUV to enter a crime scene near the White House – apparently to lend some boozy expertise. Now comes Tax Day, April 15th 2015, and a nut case mailman from Tampa Bay, Florida, who flew his gyrocopter through some of the (theoretically) most protected airspace in the world to land on the lawn of the Capitol Building with a fist full of protest letters. The guy even talked to the Tampa Bay Times about his trip and the paper called the Secret Service to report the crazy mailman. But the warning was apparently ignored or shelved by Chief Inspector Doofus. It’s a good thing the gyrocopter jockey was a fairly benign crank. The next guy might not be nice enough to call the local daily and might deliver something more troubling than photo-copied complaints about campaign financing.

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Tom Cotton

Tom Cotton Crashes the party

Party Crasher

Tea Party enthusiasts and crazy people have lately been singing “I wish I was in the land of cotton,” to express their fanatical support for the equally fanatical behavior of the new junior senator from Arkansas. Tom Cotton embodies the spirit of old Dixie in that line from the de facto anthem of the confederacy as he promises to blast away all things Federal, like the Affordable Care Act, the new farm bill, and every other program designed to enhance the health and education of Americans. At the same time, he wants the Feds to spend a whole lot more on military hardware than even the most strident old hawks think is in line with both National security and Conservative spending ideals. Then, of course, there is Senator Cotton’s attempt to conduct his own foreign policy by threatening the leaders of Iran during sensitive nuclear negotiations with the U.S. State Department. Independent Senator Angus King of Maine says it’s like Congress sending a letter about the Cuban missile crisis to the Soviet Union in 1962 saying, “Don’t worry about that guy Kennedy. He doesn’t speak for the country.” History will decide if Cotton is a traitor as some have said, but he certainly qualifies as a jerk.

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Greedy Cupid

cupid shakes down a couple

Nothing says “love” like a shakedown.

You’d think the symbol of two people falling in love would be as cherubic as the usual illustrations. Unfortunately, Cupid’s influential twin is an evil, greedy jerk who equates love with money. If you don’t go to the poor house for the costly flowers, candy, restaurant tabs and crotchless panties being pushed every February 14th, you’re not really expressing true love. It’s time to shoot this rapacious Cupid in the ass with his own arrows, write a love poem with a ballpoint pen on a plain white sheet of paper, fall out of love with commercial Valentine’s Day excesses and into love with simple pleasures like hitting the sack with your sweet pattoo.

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Terrorist Losers

Note to Terrorists:  Now you’ve done it, you vile pricks. You’ve forced us to line up with the French — those wine-sucking, talk-through-your-nose, effete folks who donated Vietnam to us after getting their asses kicked at Dien Bien Phu. It sure takes brave warriors to walk into an office and kill a bunch of cartoonists.CARTOONISTS (!!?!), and French

terrorist being erased by artist

That’s all we need…jihadist literary critics. Pass the kevlar.

cartoonists to boot, you idiots. Not only that, but you ambushed and executed the brave gendarmes who were there to protect freedom of expression — even expression with which they probably disagreed. So, with our noses pinched (to sound French) we join the legion declaring, “Je Suis Charlie.”

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