Greedy Cupid

cupid shakes down a couple

Nothing says “love” like a shakedown.

You’d think the symbol of two people falling in love would be as cherubic as the usual illustrations. Unfortunately, Cupid’s influential twin is an evil, greedy jerk who equates love with money. If you don’t go to the poor house for the costly flowers, candy, restaurant tabs and crotchless panties being pushed every February 14th, you’re not really expressing true love. It’s time to shoot this rapacious Cupid in the ass with his own arrows, write a love poem with a ballpoint pen on a plain white sheet of paper, fall out of love with commercial Valentine’s Day excesses and into love with simple pleasures like hitting the sack with your sweet pattoo.

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Terrorist Losers

Note to Terrorists:  Now you’ve done it, you vile pricks. You’ve forced us to line up with the French — those wine-sucking, talk-through-your-nose, effete folks who donated Vietnam to us after getting their asses kicked at Dien Bien Phu. It sure takes brave warriors to walk into an office and kill a bunch of cartoonists.CARTOONISTS (!!?!), and French

terrorist being erased by artist

That’s all we need…jihadist literary critics. Pass the kevlar.

cartoonists to boot, you idiots. Not only that, but you ambushed and executed the brave gendarmes who were there to protect freedom of expression — even expression with which they probably disagreed. So, with our noses pinched (to sound French) we join the legion declaring, “Je Suis Charlie.”

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Kim Jong-un

Kim gives the thumbs down

“Despicable Jerks”…I give it 5 skulls. “The Interview” only gets 3.

As an entertainment critic, Kim Jong-un makes a very good public enemy and vile dictator – just like most entertainment critics. That’s usually high praise for a critic, unless you happen to be running the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea and starving your citizens of more than good theater and torturing them with tools more severe than a pen. That is why Kim is a despicable jerk. He appears here for one very good reason. If he ever finds this page he will shut it down and threaten us, so it is time for every good American to sign up in this website to receive notices every time a new jerk is published. All right-thinking patriots should rush to their favorite online bookseller and order “The Modern Compendium of Despicable Jerks” before Kim corners the market on this insanely witty and colorful work. God Bless America!

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So Many Jerks, So Little Time

Word has it that coal mines throughout the globe have been working 24/7 to keep up with demand for anthracite. It seems there will be more than a few stockings with the stuff.

Just remember, even Scrooge got a “get out of jail  free” card at the 11th hour. Just sayin’.

Santa's ledger is filing up fast

There’s “Naughty” and “Nice”, then there’s JERKS!

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Bo Pelini

Nebraska's loss is Youngstown's Bane

Why burn a bridge when you can blast it to !!##!@**!!! smithereens?

Bo was angry every minute he was coach of the Nebraska Cornhuskers. Even though he was never asked to actually husk corn, his rage seemed to grow with every football game. Yelling and screaming became his stock in trade and his on-the-field behavior was peppered with in-your-face tantrums to the point he seemed to actually take a swing at a referee during the 2013 game against the neighboring Iowa Hawkeyes. The NEIGHBORS for goodness sake! Bo transformed outrage into an art form. Television producers of Husker games routinely assigned a camera to focus on Bo the entire game just in case he exploded. When the University of Nebraska finally fired him, Bo met with student athletes and delivered a vile farewell address filled with such a rich variety of profanity the students were forced to run to their foul-mouth dictionaries to discover what some of the phrases actually meant. Bo’s supporters note he would still be Nebraska’s coach if he had won just a few more football games. That may be true, but he would still be a jerk.

FOR MORE OF THESE INSANELY WITTY AND COLORFUL TALES, GO TO YOUR FAVORITE ONLINE BOOKSELLER AND ORDER “THE MODERN COMPENDIUM OF DESPICABLE JERKS.”

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Bad Tippers

cheap guy picks through his pennies to mange a tip

“Hmpf… looks like a tip, only smaller.”

These seemingly innocent diners always have a good excuse for leaving a paltry tip for whoever waits on them at some local eatery. “The soup was cold,” they might complain, or “too hot.” The patron may have detected what they thought was a smirk. The list is endless. But here’s the thing: this is the only place on God’s green Earth where trickle down economics actually works. If you can’t afford a 20 percent tip – don’t go out to eat. Stay home, you jerk, and make a cactus and jalapeno sandwich. Then shove it up your ass.

FOR MORE OF THESE INSANELY WITTY AND COLORFUL TALES, GO TO YOUR FAVORITE ONLINE BOOKSELLER AND ORDER THE PERFECT GIFT: “THE MODERN COMPENDIUM OF DESPICABLE JERKS.”

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The Early Christmas Pushers

schlocky Santa hawks his wares out on the median

Lay away, or GO AWAY!

These are the folks who plot their Christmas advertising and display campaigns as soon as winter hits THE SOUTHERN HEMISPHERE. It has reached the point where July 4th features exploding elves and aerial displays named for Dancer and Blitzen. The Labor Day weekend clogs highways not only with late summer travelers, but also with trucks bringing in the new crop of “live” trees ready to drop their needles as soon as you attach your dangerously old strings of lights. The Pumpkins of Halloween mix with offers to give out Christmas candy canes to the trick-or-treat kids. Before the Thanksgiving turkey is done, the Radio City Rockettes traveling troupe is touring the nation with a show that features a nativity scene – conjuring images of scantily clad women kicking the crap out of the baby Jesus. All that said, the REAL jerks are the people who constantly bitch about the early Christmas pushers at the same time they are first in line to trample anyone who gets in their way as they rush the stores participating in Black Friday Christmas sales. My, oh my, what would Good King Wenceslaus say?

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