The Donald

Donald Trump is like that blowhard at the corner bar who talks so loud and long it is impossible to interrupt him with facts and logic. Since we all have friends like that, we’ve been ignoring him and all the other candidates for President. But when The Donald makes statements that not only defy the Constitution of the United States but also put us in danger, he gets our attention as well as our designation as “Despicable Jerk.” Here’s the deal: 99% of Muslims are peaceful — and there are a billion and a half of them. Muslims are the main victims of Islamic extremists and terrorists. Muslims are also the main source of information to combat these terrorists. And, if you think the skirts of religions more familiar to you are clean, please read the Battle of Jericho in your Holy Bible. It is among the earliest sets of “how-to” instructions on committing genocide in the name of God.  Just sayin’…

Donald Trump sells his product to a gullible public

Don’t drink the elixir

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Martin Shkreli

The September 24, 2015 London Daily Mail headline said it best for this financial boy-wonder jerk.

Shrill maximizing profit.

“People never think about the R&D we spend on lemons.”

Meet the most despised man in the world: Global outrage as 32-year-old ex-hedge funder buys rights to AIDS drug and promptly raises price overnight by 5500% – from $13.50 to $750.00 per pill”

Martin Shkreli is famous for moving from job to job, buying up old pill recipes and then jacking up the price. In his latest job as CEO of Turing Pharmceuticals, he purchased the rights to Daraprim. The drug treats life-threatening parasitic infections and costs about a buck-a-pill to manufacture. Marty says the price hike is necessary to pay for new product development. While that argument certainly has some logic behind it, our guess is this loathsome jerk will use most of the proceeds to line his pockets as well as the pockets of his like-minded business kin – thus marking another defining moment in the march toward a single-payer health system in the United States. While that probably isn’t Marty’s goal, it may be his legacy.

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Golf Course Jerks

Bad members

Chad, shoot one across their bow. Let’s see if that gets their attention.

Meet Thad, Chad and Preston – longtime members of the golf course. They are well-heeled, over-egoed, lubricated with alcohol and lousy sports. Their threesome is always pushing your foursome despite the fact your foursome is playing great golf  — well within the established time frame for the course. Thad, Chad and Preston try to pressure your foursome with disgusted looks on their faces and sotto voce comments as they wait for you to tee off – despite the fact they are still trying putt their own green. They will send the course ranger over to push you along or order you to step aside while they play through. The ranger is unhappy too. His son works for Thad’s company. One day Thad, Chad and Preston will try to push Saint Peter’s foursome. On that day they will go to hell and each will be forced for eternity to play a public course with a one iron and an old putter from Sears-Roebuck.

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Emerson Plugknutts

Emerson annoys at one half mile an hour faster

Allegro Non Troppo (fast but not too fast)

It may be said these days that every motorist is a jerk. Those who drive faster than we do are idiots and everyone who drives slower is a jackass. However, there is a special class of jerky motorists who are particularly vexing. Take Emerson Plugnutts for example. He sets his cruise control, stays in the left lane of the Interstate and ignores the world around him. He is the jerk who passes you doing only one quarter of one mile an hour faster than you are going. Slowly, slowly he advances but refuses to increase his speed even as the line of cars and trucks build up behind both your vehicle and his. Once he eventually passes, the angry drivers to his rear weave in and out of traffic to pass Emerson on the right and get ahead of the pack – each gesturing their displeasure to Emerson with various hand signals. Emerson ignores them and continues his selfish pattern. Best advice: slow down and let Emerson pass you and hope he eventually pulls this crap on a State Trooper who has had a bad day.

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Walter Palmer, DDS

Cecil bags a dentist

Payback’s a bitch

This Minnesota dentist drilled right into a nerve when he shot Zimbabwe’s pet lion, Cecil, with a bow and arrow and then tracked it for 40 hours before finishing the cat off with gunfire. Hunting has a long tradition in the United States going back to when it was necessary to put meat on the table.  Many wildlife experts say it remains a useful tool for controlling overpopulation of deer and other species. But shooting Cecil is the equivalent of paying the small-town drunk ten bucks to shoot a cow in someone else’s pasture. It is like gunning down the neighbor’s cocker spaniel and then beheading and skinning it. Palmer had previously peeved the wildlife folks in Wisconsin for the illegal shooting of a black bear. By the way, Minnesota Board of Dentistry records show Palmer faced a sexual harassment complaint a few years ago. Palmer admitted no wrongdoing but had to pay a former receptionist more than $127,000. That’s twice what he paid to shoot Cecil. With his practice shrinking like a dead lion’s hide in the hot African sun, we think this jerk needs new, less expensive hobbies.

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Pete Ricketts

Giblets to go

Lex Luthor redefines “Nebraska Nice”

Nebraska’s new governor has been so busy shopping for drugs to kill prisoners on death row that he failed to notice when the state’s legislature — controlled by his own Republican Party by 35 to 14 — voted to abolish the death penalty in the Cornhusker State. He was so angered that he also failed to note his conservative colleagues argument that it is illogical to be pro-life for some issues and pro-death on others. In this peevish mood, Governor Ricketts has vowed to kill all ten prisoners on Nebraska’s death row. His Attorney General, Doug Peterson, backs him up, saying that abolishing the death penalty has basically deprived the death row inmates of their constitutional right to die. If Ricketts gets his way, perhaps he can give the ten inmates their last supper at the same time. He can haul the old, unused, electric chair — “Old Sparky” — out of retirement, hook the electrodes to a large turkey, pull the switch and allow it to explode — instantly serving white meat, dark meat and viscera to all the guests in their festive orange attire.

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Tom Brady

Deflated balls

Tom, not so Terrific

The New England Patriot’s quarterback has not been enshrined on these hallowed pages for breaking the rules concerning the proper pressure for footballs. After all, rule breaking in professional sports has become as constant as the Northern Star. He has not been elevated to the lofty title of Despicable Jerk because he lied to everyone about his knowledge of the deflation. Denial is the default defense and typical behavior for many privileged folk in all walks of life. Tom’s image appears here because he has once again elevated the inevitable testicle-joke headlines to a frantic level not seen since the height of the steroid scandal. Note: the use of steroids has been proven to deflate balls as effectively as pro football staffers with the title “Deflater” – and yes, we mean testicles.

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