Chris Janicek’s “Cake-Sucking” Mistake

JanicekTalk about half-baked…
Omaha cake-baker and Democratic Senate Candidate Chris Janicek has discovered an old recipe for political failure. He joins the Jerk list for offensive comments about a young woman in his campaign who wanted him to be elected to the United States Senate. Despite his apology, she has probably changed her mind. Chris won the Nebraska Democratic primary in a crowded field. He ended up with only 38 percent of the vote. As of this writing, he has not dropped out of the race, so will probably lose big time to the incumbent Republican. He would have lost anyway. Democrats are as scarce as hens’ teeth in Nebraska. And to be politically correct, as scarce as roosters’ teeth as well. Chris probably sells a lot of wedding cakes to women. He undoubtedly has a mother, as most guys do. What would she have thought about his comment? You don’t have to be all that sensitive to be smart enough to know women can also be sisters and daughters. A growing number of males are considering what their female friends and relatives might think about some comments they might make. Shouldn’t that be enough to stop these comments — particularly for a public figure in an age when very little is private anymore?
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Boatloads of Pandemic Jerks

Poop on perps.

It’s amazing how a little pandemic brings out exponential numbers of jerks

It’s like the days of the old death carts rolling through the streets of London during the Great Plague – probably manned by ancestors of Donald Trump, shouting “Bring out your dead.” The actual Donald Trump may have a secret plan to fill cruise ships with sick people, take them out to sea and then torpedo the ships to make his Corona Virus numbers look better. Well, if it has to be, it has to be – but we have some suggestions for COVID-19 Pandemic Jerks to include on the passenger lists. First, toilet paper hoarders.  The shelves are bereft of this essential product, apparently because the jerks can’t differentiate their noses from their assholes. Use tissues on your nose for heaven’s to Betsy sake, or cloth hankies that can be easily washed. Soap kills the damn virus.  Are we the only people reading about this?  Then, as CNN reported, there’s the guy who flew on a commercial flight from New York to Palm Beach and on landing, announced he had tested positive for COVID-19 – typical of people who aren’t taking this seriously. And what about the store selling 2-ounce bottles of Purell for 50 bucks. These stores probably have crates of toilet paper in the basement they’re hiding from us. They may also be hawking fake cures or sharing fake advice. If we load the Trump cruise ships with as many jerks as we can, we may look back at the Great Pandemic of 2020 as a time of enormous cleansing. A cleansing which reminds us now to wash our hands with soap and water for twenty seconds because our $50 Purell bottle is empty.

 

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Faux Truckers

Big Truck To be clear, these aren’t the construction workers, farmers, and others who drive pickup trucks almost everywhere these days. This is about the (mostly) guys who have the money to buy the gigantic pickups with dual wheels and enough horsepower to drive through buildings – which they sometimes do because they don’t know how to operate a truck – any truck. These (mostly) guys use their big machines to go to the wine shop and “pickup” the latest she-she merlot – taking up two or three parking spots. The pickup box is unused and pristine. These (mostly) guys love to drive right up on your rear bumper while you are in a long line in traffic. What the hell are they thinking?  That you can drive over the top of the line?  Some think these Faux Truckers do this to make up for small genitalia. Perhaps, but they are monumental jerks – and we say to them, “Go Faux Yourself.”

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The Patriotic Twins

Kraft:Patriots785
Yellow flags are all over the New England Patriots playing field these days for owner Robert Kraft and fired receiver Antonio Brown. Kraft has yet to shake the Orchids of Asia scandal while Brown faces sexual misconduct accusations from a former trainer. Brown wants Kraft to pay him the ten million dollars he was promised for signing with the Patriots. The jury is still out on this one — so it’s unclear if either of these jerks will get the happy ending they bargained for. 
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The Great White Presidents — One Hero — One Jerk

Teddy and Donny770Time for a comparison of the two Great White Republican Presidents.
Teddy Roosevelt was a man’s man and a president who flaunted the USA’s emerging military might by sending the United States Navy’s Great White Fleet on a world tour.  Sixteen battleships sailed unimpeded into port after port between 1905 and 1907,’’ Teddy let his fleet do his talking. He also won the Nobel Peace Prize for negotiating a peace treaty to end a war between Russia and Japan. He was the first American to win a Nobel Prize in anything.  Pretty smart guy.
Donald Trump, on the other hand, is officially in charge of the greatest military forces ever assembled on the planet but spends his time screaming and shouting insults and then bragging endlessly about faux accomplishments and his friendship with authoritarian dictators (emphasis on the “Dic”) and gets nothing — absolutely NOTHING in return.  Kim’s North Korea still has nukes and missiles, The Saudi Prince still uses us in his proxy war with Yemen. Putin’s forces are still holding eastern Ukraine. China may bankrupt America’s farmers. The list goes on.
So, here’s the bottom line:
Teddy spoke softly and carried a “Big Stick.”
Donny shouts loudly.  As for his “Stick,” who knows?
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Bob Iger

Bob Iger should join this spin class

It’s a mean world af-ter all

Anyone visiting a Disney theme park recently has noticed massive increases in admission fees, and prices for food and other items. Apparently Disney CEO Bob Iger needed the money because it was time for a haircut or he needed his ass buffed. Or could it be that Bob is a Despicable Jerk? Walt Disney’s grandniece, and granddaughter of Roy Disney votes “Jerk.” Abigail Disney went undercover after receiving a Facebook message from a worker. Abigail talked to the Disney employees who do everything from scraping gum off the sidewalk to selling tickets and pouring sodas. She says, “Every single one of these people I talked to were saying, ‘I don’t know how I can maintain this face of joy and warmth when I have to go home and forage for food in other people’s garbage.” Bob Iger received 66-million-dollars from the Disney Co. last year — about a thousand times the median income of a Disney employee. Abigail says Bob is an employee just like the folks scraping the gum and they are both entitled to the same dignity. If Bob doesn’t agree, he may wind up in a special hell where he is trapped on the teacup ride, listening to animated screech owls singing “It’s a Small World After all.”
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Jeffrey Epstein

“Oh, Goody, a new room mate. I broke the last one.”
Epstein767Jerky Jeff apparently feels the old saying “Money can’t buy everything,” doesn’t apply to him. According to the US Attorney in Manhattan, Epstein has found money can buy the occasional 14 year old for nefarious purposes. Jeff is also willing to spend 100-million dollars to get out of jail.  However the US Attorneys up north don’t seem to be the push overs Jeff encountered in Miami when then US Attorney Alex Acosta arranged a plea deal that turned out to be a slap on the wrist — an act Jeff may have actually enjoyed. Among other things, Jeff’s case can be read simply as a warning to wealthy perverts. You can screw a tot on the sidewalk in Florida and get a sweetheart deal, but if you try that crap in New York City — watch out.  Your next sweetheart might be a fellow inmate in a Federal penitentiary and not exactly to your liking.
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So many ROBO-JERKS — So Little Time

robo callers748
“Hi, my name is Veronica, and there’s nothing wrong with your credit.”
The June 2019 announcement by the Federal Trade Commission that it has blocked a billion robocalls as part of a new crackdown would be good news if there weren’t — by the FTC’s own estimate — “tens of billions” of illegal robocalls every year.  It’s time for private enterprise to come to the aid of — well, private enterprise. After all, the nation that invented Chiclets is not to be trifled with. Oh sure, some enterprising entrepreneur might invent a well-tuned cyclotron to send an electric charge of 100,000 volts into the ether – vaporizing the robocaller, but that wouldn’t solve the problem. It must extend to the bloated moneybags who hire the poor robo-calling staffers. Come on America!  If you can put a gangster like Al Capone in prison on an income tax charge, you can put these jerks somewhere they can’t call great-aunt Martha, just sitting down to dinner and trying to roll her wheel chair close enough to answer the phone to hear from her ne’er-do-well son who never takes the time to call.
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Governor Ralph Northam

VA Jerk664
Sic Semper Blackface
This Virginia chief exec would be a tragic political figure if he wasn’t so horrendously silly.  First he apologizes for showing up in his medical school yearbook in either blackface or a KKK outfit. (MEDICAL SCHOOL FOR HEAVENS TO BETSY SAKES…NOT HIGH SCHOOL OR IDIOT SCHOOL). Then he says, “Oops, that’s not me — because I just like to put shoe polish on my face and moonwalk like Michael Jackson.”  He would have moonwalked in front of reporters if his much wiser wife hadn’t said something like, “For God’s sake Ralphie, knock that crap off — and resign — since we can’t show any face in public in Virginia for the foreseeable future.”  Many sane politicians have offered to give Ralph a free trip to the moon so he can walk around all he wants and not cause any more trouble for poor Mrs. Northam.
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Mount Rushmore II

Rushmore508America needs a new set of four presidents to graphically explain the moral equivalency arguments about good and bad presidents. There are many potential candidates for Rushmore II, but the Despicable Jerks site is not a democracy. So, we decided who goes up on Rushmore II. Here is the new Despicable Jerks moral equivalency version of what some children in South Dakota call “The four guys”

Jimmy CarterGood Man – Bad President

Bill ClintonBad Man – Good President

George W. BushGood Man – Bad President

Donald J.TrumpBad Man – Bad President

Rushmore II will balance the state of South Dakota west to east. Rushmore I is located on a mountain near Rapid City, so Rushmore II will be located on a pig farm near Sioux Falls. The new faces will be sculpted on a mountain of composted manure, except one. Because Donald Trump is the worst of both worlds – in fact voted worst president in the universe by the aliens living in his hair – his likeness will be coated with fresh manure each morning by the former Trump aides serving time at the South Dakota State Penitentiary, also conveniently located in Sioux Falls.

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