Sic Semper Blackface
This Virginia chief exec would be a tragic political figure if he wasn’t so horrendously silly. First he apologizes for showing up in his medical school yearbook in either blackface or a KKK outfit. (MEDICAL SCHOOL FOR HEAVENS TO BETSY SAKES…NOT HIGH SCHOOL OR IDIOT SCHOOL). Then he says, “Oops, that’s not me — because I just like to put shoe polish on my face and moonwalk like Michael Jackson.” He would have moonwalked in front of reporters if his much wiser wife hadn’t said something like, “For God’s sake Ralphie, knock that crap off — and resign — since we can’t show any face in public in Virginia for the foreseeable future.” Many sane politicians have offered to give Ralph a free trip to the moon so he can walk around all he wants and not cause any more trouble for poor Mrs. Northam.
America needs a new set of four presidents to graphically explain the moral equivalency arguments about good and bad presidents. There are many potential candidates for Rushmore II, but the Despicable Jerks site is not a democracy. So, we decided who goes up on Rushmore II. Here is the new Despicable Jerks moral equivalency version of what some children in South Dakota call “The four guys”
Jimmy Carter – Good Man – Bad President
Bill Clinton – Bad Man – Good President
George W. Bush – Good Man – Bad President
Donald J.Trump – Bad Man – Bad President
Rushmore II will balance the state of South Dakota west to east. Rushmore I is located on a mountain near Rapid City, so Rushmore II will be located on a pig farm near Sioux Falls. The new faces will be sculpted on a mountain of composted manure, except one. Because Donald Trump is the worst of both worlds – in fact voted worst president in the universe by the aliens living in his hair – his likeness will be coated with fresh manure each morning by the former Trump aides serving time at the South Dakota State Penitentiary, also conveniently located in Sioux Falls.
“How low can you go?”
The bar for public discourse has been lowered every day of the Trump administration. When Roseanne Barr referred to Valerie Jarrett as the spawn of the Muslim Brotherhood and Planet of the Apes and Samantha Bee called First Daughter Ivanka Trump a “Feckless C**t,” the public discourse bar dropped so low that excavators had to use heavy equipment to find it. We’ve forgotten how wonderful appropriate language can be and how much more effective it is. Consider our hero, George Will, who nailed Vice President Mike Pence as “America’s most repulsive public figure,” and President Trump as a “floundering, inarticulate jumble of gnawing insecurities.” Now THAT is public discourse that won’t require locking up the babies and the old ladies!
When the New York Daily News reported this: “U.S. Rep. Steve King of western Iowa responded to hundreds of thousands of people marching in the streets against gun violence by mocking the survivors of the Parkland school shooting,” we thought about the famous author Stephen King (No relation we hope). Stephen King lives in a scenic part of Maine and often sets his stories in peaceful settings where unexpected tragedy occurs. Steve King lives in a scenic part of Iowa and mocks kids who lived through a real horror story in a place where unexpected tragedy should never occur. Stephen King has written many horror stories. Steve King Is a horror story. Stephen King wrote It about a very mean clown. Steve King Is a very mean clown. We could go on and on, but you get the idea. Stephen King is actually a pretty nice guy who has played in a rock and roll band with creative guys like Dave Barry. Steve King is a loathsome jerk who would sell his soul for a vote. He may have already done so, which could be a pretty good plot for Stephen King to consider.
The most ghastly of these despicable jerks is, of course, Dr. Larry Nasser, the Michigan State University sports physician who sexually abused little girls and young women participating in gymnastics for nearly 20 years without MSU taking any action against him. A special prosecutor is now at work to find all the faculty perps who apparently ignored what was going on. Two MSU big shots — President Lou Anna Simon and Athletic Director Mark Hollis – have quit and The Detroit News is reporting there are 14 more officials who received reports of misconduct and apparently ignored them over the last two decades. How far this reaches into U.S. Gymnastics is also “being probed” – a phrase with which Dr. Nasser is disturbingly familiar. Here’s an idea… When all the villains are unmasked, let’s send them to Dr. Nasser in prison to be fondled, massaged and probed for eternity. Dr. Nasser’s task will be more difficult while he’s afflicted with his own punishment — a pommel horse shoved up his ass.
“They call me turkey. What do they call you?”
Here’s wishing salmonella poisoning to all the jerks who confuse “foul” with “fowl” and refuse to limit their appetite for breasts, legs and thighs to Thanksgiving Day, or to a non-human food species. And while we’re at it, what’s with all the so-called Christians backing Judge Roy Moore in Alabama? Do they sing, “Onward Christian Fondlers” on Sundays? Among the things we can be thankful for is living in a nation where — to paraphrase a bit — the wheels of justice grind slowly, but they grind exceedingly fine.