The Swinging Stanford Dicks

The unholy trinity: Father, son and holy crap

Three of a kind

A trio of jerks has conspired to drag civilization back at least a century, rip off its clothes and then make a frickin’ mockery of it. First there’s Stanford student Brock Turner who was convicted of sexually assaulting an unconscious woman.  (Good Lord — Unconscious?!?!?!)  Next Stanford educated Judge Aaron Persky ignored the prosecutors request that Brock be sentenced to six years in prison and only gave him six months in county lockup followed by probation saying he feared, ” a prison sentence would have a severe impact on him.” (Really?  We should hope he would learn a lesson if, like his victim, he experienced trepidation in prison at the risk he might be raped after being knocked unconscious.) And finally, Brock’s dad — a Stanford parent who called his little boy’s antics, “20 minutes of action.”  We wonder if he would have used those words if it was an unconscious daughter involved with one of Brock’s buddies. And all of this is aside from our suspicion that if Brock had been a member of a minority group from, say,  East L.A. he would be collecting Social Security before his release from prison — just as guilty, just as worthy of jail time — but three times as punished.

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George Zimmerman (encore!)

zimmerman2125

Possession is 9/10ths of the flaw

My goodness gracious sakes alive! Just when you thought it was safe to look at the internet USA Today reports bidding underway in an online auction for the gun George Zimmerman used to kill Trayvon Martin. The high number was up to $65 million on a bright 2016 morning in May – Friday the 13th by the way. Bids on the 9 mm Kel-Tec PF-9 pistol began at $5,000 and had reached more than $65 million in short order. The top bidder used the screen name (and we are not making this up)  “Racist McShootface.” So the question becomes, “Who is the biggest jerk, George or the guy who buys George’s Tec 9?”

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Bicycle Lunatics

Kings of the road

Road warriors

These jerks come in two extreme categories – Bicycle Haters and Motor Vehicle Haters.Both flourish in the springtime.  Bicycle Haters believe the roadways were built for them alone and hate the slow-moving spandex-covered clowns who should limit their exercise to stationary bikes at the gym. Meantime, Motor Vehicle Haters can be pompous snobs who actually believe they are cutting America’s use of petroleum by riding directly in the middle of a busy traffic lane in rush hour with something like 90-thousand trucks and cars moving at bicycle speeds and burning fuel like a Hummer in the summer. Referred to as “Beesa-Cleesists” by some, they clog major streets during rush hour and seem to be proud of it. For their part, angry motorists always feel bad after they’ve squashed a Bessacleesist. The answer, of course, is common sense and courtesy – rare commodities in Anno Domini 2016.

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The Donald

Donald Trump is like that blowhard at the corner bar who talks so loud and long it is impossible to interrupt him with facts and logic. Since we all have friends like that, we’ve been ignoring him and all the other candidates for President. But when The Donald makes statements that not only defy the Constitution of the United States but also put us in danger, he gets our attention as well as our designation as “Despicable Jerk.” Here’s the deal: 99% of Muslims are peaceful — and there are a billion and a half of them. Muslims are the main victims of Islamic extremists and terrorists. Muslims are also the main source of information to combat these terrorists. And, if you think the skirts of religions more familiar to you are clean, please read the Battle of Jericho in your Holy Bible. It is among the earliest sets of “how-to” instructions on committing genocide in the name of God.  Just sayin’…

Donald Trump sells his product to a gullible public

Don’t drink the elixir

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Martin Shkreli

The September 24, 2015 London Daily Mail headline said it best for this financial boy-wonder jerk.

Shrill maximizing profit.

“People never think about the R&D we spend on lemons.”

Meet the most despised man in the world: Global outrage as 32-year-old ex-hedge funder buys rights to AIDS drug and promptly raises price overnight by 5500% – from $13.50 to $750.00 per pill”

Martin Shkreli is famous for moving from job to job, buying up old pill recipes and then jacking up the price. In his latest job as CEO of Turing Pharmceuticals, he purchased the rights to Daraprim. The drug treats life-threatening parasitic infections and costs about a buck-a-pill to manufacture. Marty says the price hike is necessary to pay for new product development. While that argument certainly has some logic behind it, our guess is this loathsome jerk will use most of the proceeds to line his pockets as well as the pockets of his like-minded business kin – thus marking another defining moment in the march toward a single-payer health system in the United States. While that probably isn’t Marty’s goal, it may be his legacy.

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Golf Course Jerks

Bad members

Chad, shoot one across their bow. Let’s see if that gets their attention.

Meet Thad, Chad and Preston – longtime members of the golf course. They are well-heeled, over-egoed, lubricated with alcohol and lousy sports. Their threesome is always pushing your foursome despite the fact your foursome is playing great golf  — well within the established time frame for the course. Thad, Chad and Preston try to pressure your foursome with disgusted looks on their faces and sotto voce comments as they wait for you to tee off – despite the fact they are still trying putt their own green. They will send the course ranger over to push you along or order you to step aside while they play through. The ranger is unhappy too. His son works for Thad’s company. One day Thad, Chad and Preston will try to push Saint Peter’s foursome. On that day they will go to hell and each will be forced for eternity to play a public course with a one iron and an old putter from Sears-Roebuck.

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Emerson Plugknutts

Emerson annoys at one half mile an hour faster

Allegro Non Troppo (fast but not too fast)

It may be said these days that every motorist is a jerk. Those who drive faster than we do are idiots and everyone who drives slower is a jackass. However, there is a special class of jerky motorists who are particularly vexing. Take Emerson Plugnutts for example. He sets his cruise control, stays in the left lane of the Interstate and ignores the world around him. He is the jerk who passes you doing only one quarter of one mile an hour faster than you are going. Slowly, slowly he advances but refuses to increase his speed even as the line of cars and trucks build up behind both your vehicle and his. Once he eventually passes, the angry drivers to his rear weave in and out of traffic to pass Emerson on the right and get ahead of the pack – each gesturing their displeasure to Emerson with various hand signals. Emerson ignores them and continues his selfish pattern. Best advice: slow down and let Emerson pass you and hope he eventually pulls this crap on a State Trooper who has had a bad day.

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